Internet Humor 2:
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, Page 1

Last weekend I saw something at Larrys Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for something for my wife Julie for Mother's Day. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned; however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only TWO TRIPLE-A BATTERIES, RIGHT?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. AM I WRONG?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a 2-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a 3-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than 3 seconds would be wasting the batteries.

ALL THE WHILE I am looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...